My 1st Mothers Day

Never in a million years did I think I'd be spending my 1st Mothers Day in a hospital room. I've been struggling to stay positive today.. and I feel really guilty about it. My husband let me sleep in and Emerson woke up smiling. I was also gifted a photo that the hospital staff made for Emerson to give me. So I should have no reason to be having a little pitty party for myself. We have also received an inconceivable amount of love and support from friends/family over the past couple days. So much so that it has brought JP and myself to tears numerous times. I don't know what we did to deserve so many amazing people in our lives.

Even with all this love/support my heart is heavy.. I'm sad/mad that I am stuck here in this hospital room (day 9 and counting..), that this is how I am spending my first mothers day, that my baby is sick and will not get better for awhile, that everything I was excited about (My moms wedding, Emie's 1st birthday party, my return back to work..) has been cancelled and the only thing I have to look forward to is finding a BMT donor quickly so we can start the long scary road to recovery. Im still struggling with questions like, "Why me and my family?". My little boy (or any little babe) does not deserve any of this.. I know these thoughts and feelings do me no good and that I need to stay positive and strong to carry my little boy through this but it is so hard.. This burden feels so heavy and the road to health feels too long.. Ive started feeling down less frequently then when E was first diagnosed. I have more good days and happy times then sad and down but every once in awhile, when Im sitting alone, the sadness begins to seep in and consume my thoughts. I know this journey is not going to be easy and having so many people supporting us through will make us strong. So, thank you again to everyone for their kind words. They are what has kept us going these past few days.

Update on Emerson- We are still on cruise control until E's bronchoscopy and bone marrow sample on Wednesday. Yesterday Emerson lost his 3rd IV. Because he's been such a difficult poke they've put in orders to finish the last couple of days of antibiotics orally. Our last dose will be tomorrow morning (YAY!). Not having the IV in has been great. E's able to move around a bit again (as long as he doesn't touch the floor). He pulled himself up to standing a few times yesterday which is something we haven't seen in weeks. The IV was also giving E a bit of fluid so now the nurses are on us to make sure he's getting enough orally. Es appetite has improved since being in and feeling better but some days are still a struggle to get him to eat/drink. The nurse weighed him this morning and he was down a bit of weight again. I was surprised because he's been eating way more then he had pre hospital admission. We will have to keep a close eye on it and hope that its just due to the antibiotics and stress of being in a place away from home. E's nose is still pretty snotty. The nasal swab came back positive for 2 common cold viruses. There is no treatment to these so he will likely be battling a cold/runny nose up until his transplant. Now we wait patiently for the next couple days to go by as quickly as possible so we can GO HOME!!

No news is good news :)

Happy Mothers Day to every momma out there <3 I hope your day is filled with family & love. Give your babes an extra squeeze for me today

D, xo